I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
