Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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