ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
