omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
babies were throwing up all over the place
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
