Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
