Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
