Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
