Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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