If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize