Sry I called you an 8
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
