Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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