she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
