he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she peed on how many people?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
