I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
