I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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