my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
