I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
