the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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