hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
