I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
