Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
