sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
