I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Congratulations! We have a period
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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