Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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