she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
