I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
