Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
