Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
