new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
