She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
