She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
