I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you inspire me to be a worse person
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
