So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
