Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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