I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
