did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
