Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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