I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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