Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
