I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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