it was like his penis was on wheels.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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