Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
