don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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