I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
