You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
