The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
