Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize