my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
