Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
