can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
