Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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