I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
