it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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