I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
