I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
