Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
