Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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