god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
