Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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