Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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