You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
