Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
