Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
