bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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