yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
